Unmasking DARVO: The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Tactic Keeping You Trapped
If you've ever walked away from a conversation with your co-parent feeling confused, guilty, or even like the “bad guy” despite doing nothing wrong, you may have just experienced DARVO.
DARVO, standing for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender, is a psychological tactic frequently employed by individuals to avoid accountability and twist the truth. This approach can significantly impact co-parenting relationships, often leaving you feeling emotionally exhausted and doubting your perceptions. In this article, we will examine the concept of DARVO, its occurrence in high-conflict co-parenting situations, and useful strategies to shield yourself and your child from its damaging consequences.
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What is DARVO?
DARVO, an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, is a manipulative tactic used by individuals—especially those with narcissistic or controlling tendencies—to deflect responsibility and maintain power in relationships. This psychological defense mechanism was first identified by psychologist Jennifer Freyd in the 1990s and is frequently observed in cases of domestic abuse, sexual offenses, and other forms of interpersonal violence.
At its core, DARVO follows a three-step process:
Deny – The perpetrator refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Attack – They shift the focus by attacking the accuser’s credibility or character.
Reverse Victim and Offender – They portray themselves as the true victim while making the actual victim seem like the aggressor.
The effects of DARVO can be deeply damaging to victims, often leading to self-doubt, confusion, and increased self-blame. In high-conflict co-parenting situations, this tactic can escalate conflicts, undermine trust, and severely impact the emotional wellbeing of both parents and children. Recognizing DARVO is the first step toward breaking free from its harmful cycle and reclaiming control in your interactions.
How DARVO Manifests in HighConflict CoParenting
If DARVO was a pattern in your past relationship, it’s likely still at play in your co-parenting dynamic. This manipulative cycle doesn’t end with separation—it simply evolves. Now, instead of being used to control you within the relationship, DARVO is weaponized in parenting disputes, legal battles, and everyday communication.
Your ex denies past and present issues, attacks your credibility, and flips the script—painting themselves as the victim while making you the villain. This can leave you emotionally drained, questioning your reality, and struggling to co-parent effectively. Recognizing these tactics is the first step in reclaiming your confidence, setting firm boundaries, and ensuring a healthy environment for your child.
Here’s how it typically manifests:
1. Denial of Wrongdoing: Refusing to Take Responsibility
At the core of DARVO is denial—a refusal to acknowledge harmful behavior. In high-conflict co-parenting, this often manifests as the manipulative parent minimizing, dismissing, or outright rejecting any wrongdoing. Instead of taking accountability, they twist reality to avoid consequences. This stage of DARVO can take several forms:
Minimizing Actions: "I didn’t mean anything by it. You’re overreacting!"
Outright Denial: "I never missed a pickup. You’re making things up!"
Blame Shifting: "I only reacted that way because you stressed me out!"
Example: A parent consistently violates custody agreements by returning the child late. When confronted, they deny it ever happened, claim the other parent is being overly controlling, or blame traffic and unforeseen circumstances—never accepting responsibility for their repeated actions.
2. Attacking the Other Parent: Shifting Focus with Aggression
When denial is challenged or fails, the next step is attack. Instead of addressing the concern, the high-conflict co-parent goes on the offensive, attempting to discredit or intimidate the other parent. This strategy seeks to shift focus away from their behavior by placing the blame elsewhere. Common tactics include:
Character Assassination: Spreading rumors about the other parent's mental health or fitness.
Legal Retaliation: Filing baseless court motions to financially and emotionally drain the other parent.
Public Smears: Using social media to manipulate public perception and gain sympathy.
Example: After being confronted for repeatedly canceling visitation at the last minute, a parent retaliates by accusing their ex of "trying to keep the child away" or labeling them as "mentally unstable" in an attempt to shift blame and undermine their credibility.
3. Reversing Victim and Offender: Flipping the Narrative
The final and most insidious phase of DARVO is reversing victim and offender—where the guilty parent positions themselves as the true victim while making the targeted parent appear as the aggressor. This deceptive tactic is particularly harmful because it confuses outsiders, including courts, mediators, and even the child. Common strategies include:
Claiming Alienation: "You’re turning our child against me!" (Even when they are the ones neglecting their parental responsibilities.)
Playing the Martyr: "I’m just a loving parent who wants to see my child, but you make everything so difficult!"
Filing Counter-Allegations: Making false claims of abuse or neglect to shift focus and discredit the actual victim.
Example: A parent with a history of emotional abuse accuses their ex of "poisoning the child against them," despite their own actions being the reason for the child’s reluctance to engage with them.
The Impact on Children and Court Proceedings: Long-Term Consequences
DARVO in high-conflict co-parenting doesn’t just affect the targeted parent—it has severe and lasting consequences for the child and the legal process. This manipulation can distort reality for the child and complicate custody battles, leading to significant emotional and legal challenges. Key impacts include:
Confusion for Children: Kids may feel torn between parents, experiencing guilt and emotional distress.
Legal Complications: Courts struggle to decipher the truth in "he-said-she-said" situations, leading to prolonged custody disputes.
Emotional Toll on Victims: The targeted parent may experience chronic stress, self-doubt, and exhaustion from defending against constant false accusations.
Example: A child, caught in the middle, starts to believe the manipulative parent’s version of events. They feel pressured to "choose sides," causing emotional distress and potentially long-term psychological harm. Meanwhile, the courts, seeing conflicting accusations, may delay or misinterpret custody rulings, further harming the child's stability.
Conclusion: Breaking Free from the DARVO Cycle in Co-Parenting
Navigating a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic is already overwhelming, but when DARVO is at play, it becomes even more exhausting. The denial, attacks, and role reversals can leave you feeling emotionally drained, confused, and unfairly blamed. Worse, this manipulative cycle doesn’t just impact you—it affects your child’s emotional wellbeing and can even influence court proceedings.
Recognizing DARVO for what it is is the first and most crucial step to breaking free from its grip. By understanding how your ex uses denial to dodge accountability, attacks to shift blame, and victim reversal to manipulate the narrative, you can protect yourself from unnecessary emotional turmoil.
To counter DARVO, focus on facts, documentation, and emotional detachment. Stick to BIFF communication (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm), set clear boundaries, and seek professional support when needed. If your co-parent continues to weaponize this tactic, legal intervention and child-focused strategies may be necessary to minimize harm.
At the end of the day, your peace of mind and your child’s stability matter more than engaging in an endless battle. By equipping yourself with the right tools, strategies, and support, you can regain control, protect your wellbeing, and ensure a healthier co-parenting environment for your child.
